Why am I doing this? Health issues? Maybe so, but lots of people get by by taking medication to offset their unhealthy lifestyle. I believed so in The Beginning and sure, I was developing some serious health issues!
But I must admit, if that was 100% true, I would have stopped by now. My heart-rate and blood pressure is down, I tie my shoelaces without developing a brain aneurysm, I walk up stairs without the steam-train effect, no more re-flux while I'm sleeping... In short, health-wise I feel great! But somehow I don't feel validated at all. In my mind, I am very far from done, in fact I'm not sure I will ever be done.
You see, although I have lost 24 kg (Yeah!) up to now, I need another 16-20 kg before I will be satisfied, but will I? Yes, by then my BMI will be within normal range, but what will I be? A lanky guy? Is that me? Even worse, does what you look like define who you are?
Of all people I should understand that. I mean, for 37 of my 46 years, I've been overweight and very aware of that fact, virtually every moment of my life it's there, like a defining attribute of what is "me". I constantly remember the day the school nurse poked her finger into my navel as a "test for the amount of body fat you have", looked at me and declared me grossly overweight, or the day the boy next door looked at me and declared that I look "pathetic". It stung like hell and I believed it, because I saw the same thing in the mirror.
I did not allow that to get me down, however. To some degree, I drew strength from that. It helped me to knuckle down where I had real talent, like academics. My motivation was that if I did not make that work for me, I really was nothing. And I made a success, today I have a good job, with degrees in Engineering and Law behind my name and I feel proud of that. Granted, my school friends that didn't care for studies and went into selling cars are doing financially much, much better, but that's another story for another day. To some degree I've grown to be a bit of an intellectual snob I think, but I am shaking that as fast as possible. I began to define people by their education and academic ability, mainly because it helped me look good when measured by those same means. Since then, I've met people who are extremely wise, without flashy degrees, and it made me do some introspection.
So am I secretly vain? Is that why I am doing it? A friend mine has this pearl of wisdom: "Beware of a guy with a six-pack ladies, as he did not go through the trouble of building that to charm just one girl." No, I'm not doing it for female attention either. I love my wife just fine. On a side note, she's lost 10 kg herself and looks amazing!
The answer is that I'm doing it for self-respect. I'm doing it for that little 10 year old boy who was so hurt by that nurse and what that friend said. It is as if there's this gap in my being where I believe I am inferior to every other person out there in this regard. I want to fix that gap. I want some self-respect. However it goes further than just how you look, it seems that the world believes that if you are overweight, you have no impulse control, emotionally not that stable and not to be taken too seriously. You need to prove your own worth in all situations. What a sign to have to carry around. Unfortunately the world is a superficial place.
The locker-room talk at the gym is strangely tot about losing weight, it's about gaining weight! Guys that look like the fellow above complain bitterly because they are not building muscle fast enough. To me that's as alien as can be... Would I mind looking like that? Not at all! Is it possible for a 46 year old with stretch marks and flabby skin? I guess not. But I am trying to get close and once I'm close, to stay close.
